There are certain things that can happen when I first start dating that will have me seeing a giant red X appear over a man’s face. I’ve vowed to stop settling for anything less than what I think I deserve and I’ve been trying to stick to it the best that I can. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Carrie Bradshaw, it’s what NOT to do in relationships—because even though I love Carrie, she’s a G-D idiot when it comes to love. The fact that she and all her neurosis somehow land her the love of her life—well that’s just pure Hollywood romance BS. Anyway, I’ve been contemplating my personal “deal breakers” since the only one’s Carrie seems to have are relapsing alcoholics and men who live with their parents (not cheaters, commitment-phobes or megalomaniacs—hm).
Here are 5 deal breakers that have ended possible dating situations over the last few months.
- Breaking plans
I went on a really great first date a few weeks ago. He was cute, smart, funny, and had a BMW (shallow, but, like, it was a BMW so cut me some slack—this is Manhattan). We flirted for a few days and planned on seeing each other the next week. He said he had a really busy schedule but would confirm on Tuesday for a Wednesday night date. But he didn’t. He never texted or called me to confirm. I get a message a few days later saying, “Gigi! I’m so sorry I forgot to confirm with you the other day. When can I see you?” When can you see me? How about on the 4th of Never? If you break plans with me, and we haven’t even been on a second date that tells me that you’re flaky — and nobody has time for that nonsense. If a man wants to see you, he sees you. So, if you tell me you’re going to confirm our second date, confirm it or you can hop back in that BMW and hit the road, compadré.
- He doesn’t drink
Okay, I’m not an alcoholic but I love my wine. I was really feeling this guy and was definitely considering accepting a date with him UNTIL he casually mentioned he “doesn’t really drink.” I don’t mean to sound like a total weirdo right now, but YOU DON’T DRINK? To me, that’s like wearing a glaring purple sign that says, “I don’t like to have fun and don’t bother taking me literally anywhere.” So long, bro.
- He won’t provide test results
Condoms suck. Yeah, I said it. Yes, you need to use them. But I’m on birth control and when I’ve been seeing a guy for a good amount of time and it’s time to get to know—erm—all of him they usually are against condoms. Okay, I’m not generalizing. I know most men aren’t head cases who think it’s totally cool to just not use protection—herpes is not cute, but condoms are the worst. Condoms kill happiness and romance. I don’t want to use them, he doesn’t want to use them, so I ask them to get tested. Hey, I don’t know where you’ve been, you want to not use a condom so, GET TESTED. The last time I asked this of a man I was seeing he just flat our refused and said, “I didn’t trust him.” Excuse me? Hell no I don’t trust you. Needless to say, there was no testing and there was no fun time either. Peace out, creep, thanks for not giving me Chlamydia.
- The sex was bad one time
I’m a stickler, okay? If the sex is bad, even once, I’m out. This may be a harsh judgment and I do give second chances, but not on this one. I’m immediately put off the entire situation. Doing something weird mid-coitus also falls under this umbrella. Don’t baby talk to me; don’t say weird things to me. I don’t know you very well. If you want to get weird, let’s wait until we’re actually dating or at least until I’ve had another glass of wine. Later, freaky.
- He flat out says the deadly words
My friend, LT, was seeing (is seeing?) a guy who I actually think is really cute and thoughtful. He brought her a rose on their second date (le swoon!). But then, before another date, before sex, before, well, anything, he flat out committed the carnal sin of early dating: he said, “I am not open to anything serious.” This is a stupid, stupid thing to say. If a guy were to say this to me, the first thing I would think is: “I’d like to have sex with you, not commit and have sex with other women, too. But it’s okay! Because I said I don’t want anything serious.” Look, we’re not all out there husband-hunting but we don’t want to be straight-out told that we’re a casual fling. That’s gross. Sayonara, Serial Dater, I’m worth everything, and then some.