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We were allowed to leave early from work–severe weather in NYC means the subway shuts down and all commuters are released to travel home to their respective burrows and far-reaching areas of Manhattan before the trains become a frenzied mess.

The storm raged outside all day long. My camel coat was spattered with dirty rain water. Thick snow came down in gusts and sheets as I traveled to the Upper West Side.

I spent all day in bed with no one but myself, and Allison Williams to keep me company. I didn’t mind. The night went on with me–just a little snow rabbit snuggled inside with my Milton homework.

I opened the door that leads to the porch–slightly beer-buzzed and sleepy-eyed– and realized the winter storm had died down. The whole city was quiet, blanketed in a thick layer of snow. The street lamps casted an ethereal glow over the fronts of buildings. And the city didn’t make a sound. It just stood still in this moment of time, frozen like the winter all around it. Asleep. It’s a rare and beautiful thing when The City That Never Sleeps is at home, dreaming.

I suddenly felt peaceful. A sense of calm came over me as the chill touched my cheeks and wisps of fallen frost swept across the porch from my roof. And I fell in love all over again. I fell in love with the idea of love. And of peace. I fell in love with the quiet.

It was a strange feeling–like suddenly there could be possibility again. Like there was something very special out there somewhere. I didn’t want to run from myself anymore or wide behind a curtain of night’s out with friends or long walks in the park to distract myself.

And in a single moment I realized, I’m ready to love again.

Lord knows it’s been an unusual time in my life. I’ve had to really consider who I am as a person and who I want to end up becoming. I’ve had to decide what I’m willing to fight for, and I’ve had to decide whom I’m willing to fight for. I’ve had to relearn love, and I’m getting there–one step at a time.

This may be a crazy and uncertain time but I’m ready to move on, to live my life and accept that I won’t always understand everything. Misguided or not, I’m ready to love again.

heart and fog

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