, , , , , , , , , , ,

I really hope every (nearly) post-grad feels the way that I do about graduation. Cue the nerves!  I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. By the time I graduate I’ll have had 6 internships and yet, I have no job prospects. Every single time I hear about one of my friends being offered a job (that’s a real, big girl/boy, grown up job) out of an internship all I think is “WHO ARE YOU DIE.”

I have really great connections with all of my old supervisors. I stay in touch, and I keep my GPA up (relatively speaking, considering my teachers always seem to grade like Nazis). Where is my job offer? Where is my perfect job writing editorial and being fabulous and wandering around NYC without a care in the world? Where is the security? We’re told that if we do all of these things: get the internships, get good grades, and work hard— that everything will pay off. I have yet to see that and I’m starting to get exceedingly freaked out.

This kind of anxiety is really difficult to bear. It’s constantly in the back of my mind. Will I be forced to move back to Chicago? How will I pay my rent? What about my utilities?

It’s this sick, twisting feeling in the pit of my stomach.

And another thing,

No matter how many cups of coffee I drink or emails to my “connections” I send I still feel like a complete failure. I feel like I’m not doing enough—like I should be doing more, but I don’t know what else I CAN do.  I’m terrified for the future. It’s crippling not knowing where you’re going to be, to not even be able to look past the Holidays without crumbling into a shaking, manic pile of emotions.

I knew the post-grad fear was coming. I saw it on the horizon as Junior year faded into the distance and all that was carefree was replaced by daunting questions: What’s your plan? Are you ready for graduation? What do you want to be when you grow up?

It’s only the first week of November but the looming clouds ahead are growing ominous and I’m becoming more fearful every day. Nothing seems to be going anywhere. It’s like I’m stagnant—drifting listlessly along towards the endless drop over the Cliff of Failure. There’s no getting better, there’s no getting worse. There’s only the feeling of things getting heavier, more pressing. But nothing is in my line of vision. I see nothing ahead, nothing tangible to hold onto and, therefore, nothing to offer me even the slightest comfort. “It will work out” people say “everything works out, you just have to wait and see.” “Trust me. It will be fine.” I want to believe. I want to trust. But really, what if it doesn’t work out?

It doesn’t help that I keep looking at job postings for these total dream jobs like Refinery 29, Daily Candy or Buzzfeed and they have requirements like “must be highly skilled in Photoshop.” Since when do we not have photo editors? I feel so lost and like all my skills that I’ve arduously acquired over the years are completely worthless and will get me nowhere.

Let me perfectly clear: THIS IS NOT A PITTY PARTY. This is an ANXIETY PARTY.

I’m legit hoping that other people are feeling this way too. With graduation right around the bend, looming over us, tainting our senior year, how can you not be freaking out?

Oh unless you’re one of those assholes who already have a job offer and a cushy 401K awaiting you after you get your diploma. In that case, you can go fuck yourself.